Sex must always be great, otherwise don’t bother

Before the pill sex was simply verboten. And not only in Ireland. No one talked about it, no one did it. 

We all came into the world like Jesus Christ – an immaculate conception in every home. 

Then came the sexual revolution and for a short while sex became something which in our society really has no place: fun.

 But then, recently, something even worse happened. Fun became the order of the day. Fun was put into the hands of fun-pros. 

You can’t play tennis just for the heck of it anymore. You must set yourself goals – such as the humble goal of winning the Olympics.

It’s the same with sex. Who said you should simply enjoy sex? No, no, no – you have to raise your game up a few notches. 

Many notches, actually. Just because it’s been done for a few hundred thousand years, it doesn’t mean it’s been done right all that time.

It’s time to shape up. It’s time to have multiple orgasms – every single night of the week. And always simultaneously with your partner. It’s time to face the truth: whatever you do in bed is inadequate.

 From the way you look to the way your partner looks to the amount of time you do it for and most of all to the frequency with which you do it. If sex was already an Olympic discipline you wouldn’t even qualify for the qualifying rounds.

Do not despair – help is on the way. Simply follow the sex advisers, the pundits from the self-help section and the personal coaches and you’ll stand a chance of winning the sex Olympics – which is the minimum you should strive for.

Here’s what you need to do:

*Raise your expectations to completely unrealistic levels – whatever you see on the Internet, that’s what your love life should look like

*Get professional help from a plastic surgeon – less than perfect looks in bed are completely unacceptable. Remember, it’s a viewer’s sport – both partners must look at each other all the time and point out the slightest imperfection

*Don’t hesitate to use performance enhancing drugs – if every cyclist does it then why shouldn’t you use a little blue diamond every time you engage in your sport of choice

*Coming together is no longer a happy coincidence. It is mandatory. Never mind that it takes the average man three minutes to climax and the average woman 17 minutes to reach the same triumph – just do what is expected of you, simultaneously, of course.

*And finally, always keep in mind that you’re not in the game to have fun but to win. Most of all against yourself but also against your partner’s super high expectations.

Should you heed all of the above advice you may not be happy – who needs that, ever seen a happy athlete? Suffering is what counts – but you may stand a chance of  living up to the new Olympic ideal: 

Winning is everything, whatever the cost. And if you can’t stand the heat get out of the game, like 25 per cent of us who simply have no desire for sex anymore.

Sure, there is one other alternative but this one is really only for the weak: Shut off your TV, don’t read the magazines that promise you the best sex ever or go to a comedy show in which a few hundred people have a jolly good laugh about all that rubbish from the sex advisers.