' I love you but i'm not in love with you'

Ten years ago, no one used the phrase ‘soulmate’ in my marital therapy office. It was a word that belonged in Hollywood films and romantic novels.

If I’d asked a couple whether they were soulmates, or a single person if they were looking for one, they would have stared at me blankly, expected me to light incense and start chanting, or simply laughed.

Today, the term is used by around half the people who seek my help in the medium-sized, Middle England town where I’m a relationship counsellor.

Single women worry there is something wrong with them because they can’t find their soulmate, and married women question whether one nasty argument means her husband isn’t her soulmate after all. But what does the term really mean and why does my heart sink every time I hear it?

According to the myth, soulmates not only have a deep connection, but love and accept everything about each other.

Being soulmates with someone implies you have similar tastes and interests, and love doing everything together.

In fact, the connection is so profound that all differences simply fall away. So there’s no need for arguments because each partner ‘gets’ the other.

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In the movies, you know the seemingly mismatched couple are really soulmates when they perform karaoke and both miraculously know the words to some obscure song.

All their problems melt away, and confessions of undying love and marriage on the beach swiftly follow.

The inference is that once you find your soulmate, there are no rows and you will be unquestionably accepted for who you are.

No wonder everyone wants one — particularly this generation, many of whom had a front-row seat for their parents’ divorce.

Obviously, we need to believe that something will save us from repeating our parents’ mistakes — so the idea that soulmates exist is very attractive.

Sadly, it’s totally devoid of realism.

'Instead of looking for a "good enough" man, women in modern society hold out for the promise of the all-singing, all-dancing, perfect partner'

Josie, an attractive 31-year-old with a high-powered job, is a prime example of the damage searching for a soulmate can do.

When she came to me for counselling, she said: ‘I don’t want ordinary love. I want something passionate with someone I truly respect: a soulmate.

Unfortunately, I find few men who I’m really attracted to.’

Her parents had split when she was ten and the fallout had been so bitter that more than 20 years later, her mother and father could not be in the same room and had only spoken on the phone a handful of times during emergencies.

You’d expect these experiences to make someone cynical about relationships. But, like most children of divorce, Josie longed for the transforming power of love.

She just had to find the right person — yet this is where her problems deepened.

Instead of looking for a ‘good enough’ man — as her mother or grandmother would have done — modern society holds out the promise of the all-singing, all-dancing, perfect partner.

As a consequence, this search for an overpowering connection has caused Josie to choose two types of lovers.

There are those who are good on paper but do not yield an immediate ‘chemistry’, so she gives up on them.

And then there are the ‘bad boys’ who are ‘passionate and deeply emotional’, but deliver brutal and destructive relationships.

The most recent example was an actor who Josie knew had a girlfriend. ‘I met him at a party and we really clicked,’ she said. ‘My pulse was racing and I felt all light-headed.’

Sadly, the myth of soulmates means many women confuse passion and fear — as both make our hearts beat faster.

When we discussed her relationship further and what being the ‘other woman’ did to Josie’s self-esteem, I asked:

‘Instead of intense attraction, could your subconscious have been pumping adrenaline round your body because it was saying, “Run, run, run”?’

I also blame the soulmates myth for another 21st-century complaint: ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’

By this, I mean the way that acceptable marriages are ditched because the couple no longer feel passionately ‘in
love’.
Take two of my clients, Kate, 40, and her husband Martin, 44. They have two children, a successful business they created together and, in many ways, have much to celebrate.

Yet they are feeling dissatisfied with each other. I put this down to the fact they never argue.

In keeping with the soulmates ethos, Martin explains: ‘We’ve agreed on most things because we have the same values.’

Unfortunately, it is not possible for two people to live in complete harmony without one or both of them rationalising away their differences (‘it doesn’t really matter’), detaching (‘we’ll agree to differ’), or avoiding conflict (‘anything for a quiet life’).

Although this works in the short term, eventually all feelings are switched off — not just the negative ones.

'The myth of soulmates can provide a fig leaf to convince people that it is OK to cheat if they are "destined" to be with someone else'In effect, arguing too little is just as dangerous as arguing too much.

A good row clears the air, but it goes against the idea of soulmates, so people bite back their frustration — not only to prove that they are still soulmates, but also because they’re sure their partner will eventually realise what they are really feeling, without them saying it.

As no one is a mind reader — however much they love someone — this stores up resentment for the future.

In addition, the pressure to be everything to each other begins to rob people of their individual identity.

After their relationship began, Martin hardly ever played golf, although it was one of his major passions, and Kate ditched her plans to take a creative writing course. Instead they focused on shared interests: eating out, entertaining and a holiday cottage.